Dear Future Self,
Things have been changing, and I don’t know whether I like it or not.
Just thinking about the turn of events makes my stomach churn.
I think I’ve begun to feel a little more adventurous, which in turn makes me feel uncomfortable because I am out of my comfort zone. Lately it seems that I have been more…’open’ with the opposite sex. I guess some would catagorize this as being ‘flirtatious’ but I don’t like to think that I can flirt nor do I feel like saying ‘Yes I did flirt’. Is that what I’m doing?
I have no intention of being in a relationship, just seeing all of those relationship photos make me cringe all the time.
Yet… it’s as though I keep mentioning that person’s name. And perhaps my friends feel like I have some feelings for said person.
But I just want to say ‘no, I don’t’.
Does that make me wrong?
Does that make me a bad person?
Am I just leading said person on?
Oh goodness, why does life have to be so complicated.
But perhaps all this is just hyped up in my mind because I’ve allowed myself to explore new dimensions of life and I’m not cool with it yet.
Or maybe it’s because I don’t accept myself for the way I am.
Dammit.
From: Your Present Self
Dear Future Self,
Is it too early to think? Perhaps so. It’s not early by any means though, it’s only 7 o clock in the morning. I’m getting ready for work and I do not know what to anticipate.
Part of me feels like I should be thankful for what I have. But knowing this, I just stuff it in the back of my brain, and forget about it, until I’ve had another ‘deep, inner-thought’ process going on.
I’ve been working on being positive and not becoming encompassed by the dreary reality, and sometimes it’s hard. I’ve definitely been feeling happier. I like my friends at work. We always talk and laugh and have a good time.
Sometimes I get mad at them for not keeping their promise, but they’ve been working on it, and it’s nice to have people that make an effort.
I don’t know… life at this moment seems so calm. I like the calm.
From: Your Present Self
Dear Future Self,
Perhaps I have been too hard on myself.
It’s not like I intentionally want to put myself down; it’s just something I believe, and then people probably start thinking I’m big-headed and am just fishing for compliments.
Perhaps I just need someone that I can rely on. Someone I can trust when they say good things about me.
Perhaps if I put more effort on my exterior…if I dressed better, had nicer hair, if I had dimples when I smiled…
But I guess this will just be wishful thinking.
From: Your Present Self
Dear Future Self,
Today I feel desolate.
This morning I was angry.
Then by the afternoon I felt a little forlorn.
There seems to be a lot of petty things that seem to get to me. The main part being that I feel neglected or overlooked. It seems no matter how hard I try to be likeable or kind or patient or happy, I am not good enough. There is always someone that other people prefer. That’s a little upsetting.
I am not caught up in the popularity game, but I still want to be someone that people want to talk to. I always feel like I am the ugly duckling. I am always the funny one. The practical one. The cynical one. But I am not the one that others want to go to first.
It’s like having to call up a friend. It’s like it’s always me who makes the first move, who starts the conversation. The one who tries that much harder to be appreciated. And yet, I am always the one waiting for a response. Waiting for someone else to take my place…but no one does.
Tomorrow the cycle continues.
I guess I should try harder.
From: Your Present Self
Dear Future Self,
Today is one of those days. I feel mentally incapable of coping or being alive. I just want to collapse onto my bed and forget all the problems surrounding me. It’s like the more that I try to remain hopeful and positive and everything good, bad things happen - things to stray me away from seeing the light. I guess that’s how life works. You get some good, some bad. But it just feels like I’ve mostly been dealing with bad days; Wednesdays especially.
From the people surrounding me all I get is an apology. And to be honest, an apology isn’t worth much.
From the world I get problem after problem and fatigue.
From myself I get uncertainty.
I wish I could just press a ‘delete’ button, or that I could simply just wave a magic wand and everything would disappear and all that was left behind was smiles and blue sky days and laughter and bliss and joy.
From: Your Present Self
Dear Future Self,
Perhaps all I need is a perspective shift. Yeah, maybe that’s it. Maybe if I wake up in the morning and instead of dreading life, I should awaken with this happiness swelling inside of me, and the gratitude of life should be enough to silence the resentment I feel.
I feel like all those people that think that it’s so easy for people like me - people who have been so used to dealing with a rooted anger - do not understand us. They try, oh they try damn hard and never come up first. Again and again they want us to believe that life is so simple if we just shift our paradigm of life. Oh please, if it was that easy I wouldn’t be here, on a day to day basis with a heart full of anger.
I feel like I have been silenced too long. That I’ve been tricked, conned, lied to into believing that yes, it is okay to hold your tongue. You want to know why people munipulate you into believing that? Because they don’t want truth! All they want are cobwebs spun for them of fairytales and happiness and it’s okay, it will be better tomorrow. I can throw ugly, untrue words at you, but you, being obediant should just hold your damn tongue. And it really irritates me. I wish people could just know why I feel this way, but alas I cannot let the demons crawl out from me.
I just really wish the future was now and that I have already escaped and I am not in hell anymore.
It seems so unnatural for someone my age to have to write like this. I mean just read this! How old does this make me sound? I feel so withered. I feel so helpless.
If there is a God why doesn’t He help me? Why can’t he cleanse my heart of all this darkness?
From: Your Present Self
Dear Future Self,
Where do I begin?
Problems seem to be surfacing left and right and I don’t know how to deal with them. I do deal with them though, regardless of the fact of whether or not I have the strength to.
I was thinking this morning and wondered what would happen if I had cancer, the next thought that popped up in my mind was “why do good things happen to good people” although I am not implying that I am a good person; I am far from that. But what about people who are innocent, why then do they inflicted with the burdens of a hard life? Sometimes it makes me so mad that there is so much injustice in this world, and so many people have to suffer and deal with a heavy burden. It really begs the questions: What kind of God/god allows that? But I guess we can’t blame a god of any sorts.
I never understood how Christians were so assured in their beliefs, that they really believe in the bottom of their hearts that by praying to God, they have this spiritual connection and in turn God watches over them. But then again, doesn’t God watch over everyone regardless of their beliefs?
If I could just steal away from the life that I’m in and become another person, how wonderful would that be? To be a stranger in a foreign land. Sometimes I do wish for that.
I’m not saying that my entire life consists of sadness and anger and hostility, but I just wish someone else could walk in my shoes and not expect me to just TELL them my problems because I have too many. I wouldn’t even know where to begin.
The more I focus on the reality of my life, the deeper into sadness I cave into until I reach the point of depression and anger and betrayal and hurt. Mostly hurt. Maybe that’s all. Maybe I’m jusat hurting enough. Maybe I haven’t been loved enough - you know how they say that in movies sometimes to be comical?
My life is a black pit that I’ve fallen into.
From: Your Present Self
Dear Future Self,
It seems all I ever do is lie to myself. It’s as though I believe that if I fool myself enough the resentment will evade - but it never does. So here I am, with a heart full of anger that has always been pent up.
If someone tells you one lie repeatedly, undoubtedly we will believe them. Here I am in a bubble of lies. You’re not good enough, you’re not smart enough, you’re not like him or her, you’re not attractive enough and I have to sit here and just think how happy I will be once I’ve escaped it all. I will be damned if I ever return. I have no such desires. Once I leave, I will leave it all behind. I have to create a new person - an ideal image of me to fit the standards created by everyone else. Those who don’t matter seem to always want to pitch in. No one asked your opinion, please kindly shut up - forever.
If I were a wizard, the only spell I would need (or that would be most handy) would be the ability to mute people. Unnecessary negativity should be silenced.
So this is who I am. Just someone burdened by hatred.
From: Your Present Self
Dear Future Self,
I just feel so uninspired lately. Life just seems like a complete drag. There seems to be this lack of motivation for me to do anything. That’s not to say that there isn’t a million and one things that I want to do, but there just seems to be road blocks at every turn and I’m sick and tired of them.
A lot of negativity has been thrown my way and it’s been clouding my own judgement, and whenever your own voice is suppressed it’s time you sit down and take a moment to digest your reality.
I have tried again and again to not act out on anger, and again and again my patience has been tested. I just cannot stand to live my life the way it is. I feel like a mouse trapped in a maze, trying earnestly to get to the end, but here I am trapped.
I guess that’s my way of apologizing for being absent for so long. But I cannot think, and when I do think my brain is scattered all over the place. I just wish I could be visible, so during days when I just want to smash things against the way, I can steal away, unnoticed.
It’s not that I feel weak at the moment, I just feel lost and I have been feeling lost for a while. There isn’t a hand to guide me, and granted that I’m not five, I guess there shouldn’t be, but it would be nice.
I don’t know how to take the ‘lemons’ that life has handed me. I seem to have forgotten the recipe for lemonade.
This is just my life, filled with happy moments and sadness, but I wish the happy moments lasted a bit longer and the sad moments occurred less frequently.
-Your Present Self
